The relationship game between men and women, Part 1

by Paul Goodchild on September 22, 2009

Yin and Yang: Male and Female

Are you in a relationship?  Is it wrecking your head?

I recently attended a seminar in Koh Samui, Thailand, about relationships and how to “find” that wonderful partner and get the best out of our current relationships.

It was a little different, discussing male and female “energies”, light and dark characteristics and how they can complement or clash with one another.

It also outlined the 3 levels of relationship that exist today as a powerful illustration into our own relationships.

It was great to hear some things I’ve already learned reflected back at me, but there was a lot of new material to consider with its application to my own life.

In this article I will share with you some of the salient points with a little of my own assessment.

Energy: Light and Dark, Male and Female

The session began by taking several human characteristics and categorising them as either “male energy” or “female energy”, drawing on those present to decide.  It was usually self-evident how the characteristics fell and each of them was then further labelled as “light” and “dark” (positive and negative, respectively).

Take for example, the characteristic ‘strong, protective‘ – this is a positive male energy, while it’s female complement could be termed ‘soft, gentle, nurturing‘.  The dark side of this energy for male and female is represented by ‘violent, angry‘ and ‘weak, whining, nagging‘, respectively.

To make this a little clearer, another example is:


Male – Empowering

Female – Inspiring


Male – Coercive, Dominating

Female – Manipulative

Have a go yourself, what is the light/dark, female/male equivalent of the light female characteristic of ‘wisdom, intuition‘…?  Or, how about the light male characteristic of ‘providing‘…?

Some other positive male energies are: humour, trustworthiness, loyalty.

Some other positive female energies are: loving, trusting, considerate, sensitive

After several examples and discussion, the question was posed: which value/characteristic is considered most fundamentally important in a relationship for males, and which is most important for females?

The conclusion was that freedom is most significant for men, and for females safety was top priority.  No-one seemed to dispute this on either side.

Full appreciation of this fact by both men and women is critical for any relationship, and this formed the basis for the rest of the discussion.

The 3 levels of relationships

The following definitions of the 3 levels of relationships clearly outline the imbalances of male and female energies, both light and dark, in contemporary relationships.  The first 2 represent the most prevalent types that exist today, and illustrates quite plainly why so many of us have deep rooted problems with their partners.

Level 1: Dependence

In this relationship the man will be the “bread winner” and hold most of the strength in the relationship.  He works a lot and earns the money, but doesn’t show the love needed to his partner.  She on the other hand resents the fact that he is out working most of the time and doesn’t show her the attention she feels she deserves.  She demands of him tasks and chores to be done and nags at him when he doesn’t either do them properly or not within the time frames that she has demanded.  He defends himself that he’s busy, he’s working, or otherwise.  They dig themselves deeper into this pattern of demanding, nagging, lack of cooperation, until resentment runs quite deep. She has no way to control his behaviour and turn him around to what she wants so she typically stops “putting out”.  This may in turn lead him to look outside the relationship for sexual fulfillment and ultimately, hearts are broken.

Level 2: Independence

Desiring not to repeat the sins of their parents, the next generation responds by going the other way.  The woman will try to prove that she doesn’t need a man to provide for her and can look after herself, indefinitely.  She can work just as hard as any man can and may power through the business world earning her keep and supporting herself and her man.  She is running on negative male energy and is likely to be aggressive and domineering.  The complementary man in this case is seeking to chill-out, relax, and not stress, but basically will not provide for her or the family.  He will be running a lot of negative female energy and will rely on her for sustenance and financial support and generally be quite dull and unintelligent, with little or no motivation other than to enjoy himself.  He’s weak, boring, selfish and likely a little chaotic.  While they are both “together”, they are living quite independently with little or no cooperation.

Level 3: “Gender Synergy”

This is the place to be.  Both male and female are running predominantly their respective positive energies that complement one another.  The man is providing for her and the family with the help of inspiration and support from his partner.  She is supportive, nurturing and loving, while he is strong, focus and empowered.  Everything they do is with the intention for the betterment of themselves and each other.  She trusts him 100%, and he naturally raises himself to meet this expectation.  His desire is to be free, and she allows him that.  Her desire is to be safe and secure, and he strives to provide that with everything that he does.

Naturally, everyone makes mistakes and doesn’t always perform at peak or correctly, but intentions are pure. She is connecting with her inner-Goddess, while he is honouring it, looking only to serve, since doing so, in his own way and his own time is what empowers him most.

With an hour and a half discussion of this, there was a lot of material covered, with examples and illustrations that can’t quite make it onto a single post.  I hope the salient points of what was posed and relayed are clear enough.

My thoughts on all this…

I haven’t given my interpretations (except of the seminar details itself) of all of this yet, but this post is already long enough.  This has given me an incredible amount of food for thought.  Not all of it is new to be honest, but it’s certainly made me think.

I’m going to post some my musings that came from this both to explain the principles better and also just to journal it.

[Update] A follow-up post, Part 2, is now available.

If you have any comments or questions, or points you feel need to be raised, please feel free to do so below.  You can also share this page using the links immediately below this article.  I hope you found it fun, informative, or thought-provoking.  Or all of the above.  Thank you for visiting.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Jonathan Yaffe September 23, 2009 at 20:32

Are you by chance at the Sanctuary? I love that place!


Paul September 24, 2009 at 10:08

Hey man,
Actually I’m at “Spa Samui Beach”. If ya google that, it’ll be the first entry ya find I’m sure. It’s my 2nd time here this year… pretty awesome place. I’ve heard from a few people about the Sanctuary also, but I’ve never been…


Kimiko November 10, 2009 at 07:57

Hi Paul,

How’s it going? So you went there again in Sept, huh? I’m planning to go there again during the holiday seasons. I Spa Samui is all booked and I remember you said that you stayed next door. What is the name of the place? I will try to make a reservation there, but if not I will try village.



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