Finding the One

by Paul Goodchild on November 18, 2009

Is there only one?

There are a couple of things that have prompted me to write on this topic – today it was a sitcom where someone simply said:

“I want that.”

And that in question is simply the companionship that comes with having a woman in my life.

One that complements me, and whom I also complement. Someone… who fills in the gaps in my life that I’ll never be able to, and who permits me to make up the gaps in hers; someone filled with a passion for living, is happy, and driven to find a sense of fulfilment in what she does;  someone with a love for children and an appreciation for the responsibility, that raising them implies; someone…

… and the list could go on.  On some level, I feel, I’ll know it when I see it, but will I?  I find myself doubting this also.  It’s been over 3 years since my previous, and first, long-term relationship ended.  I have met a couple of women since that time, but I haven’t fallen crazy in-love ready to change everything for it.  There have been those who have had, for one reason or another, great potential but ultimately nothing lasting materialized.

The single biggest reason for this is timing.

Timing is an absolute beaatch

There are varying examples of how timing has stepped-up out of nowhere and thumped me in the belly.

Probably most significant is where they’re seeing someone else, or I just missed the boat and someone beat me to it – the latter particularly sucks.  Then there were those who I became infatuated with and couldn’t somehow muster any confidence at the time to do something about – there were always plenty of why nots, and rarely enough of the why I shoulds.

Then there were those with major timing issues where the path and direction of my life, or her life, was moving us apart.

Sometimes it was nothing to do with timing, but rather plain incompatibilities.  I have a horrible tendency to extrapolate and this often scuttles it, and removing the passion on my part barely before it’s taken hold – I’ll talk about this more later.

Is there only one and what are we supposed to do when we find it?

Who hasn’t asked this question?

Is there really only one person suited to us and to whom we’re destined to be with forever?  I’m torn.  My logic tells me one thing, but traditions and social conditioning tell me another.  I’ll start with conditioning first and describe more precisely what I mean…

Social conditioning predicts that I should/will meet the wonderful woman who will be everything I’d hoped for and more. I will fall in love with her, and she with me.  We’ll marry and typically have some children.  I’ll go to work and keep us all sheltered, fed, and watered.  She may work too, but in all likelihood, she will stay at home and raise the children (this isn’t chauvinism, it’s the norm.  And if you suggest getting a nanny so that mummy can work too, then we view the raising of children very differently.  Here endeth the lesson).  We’ll grow old together and send our kids off to college and may even live long enough to see some grand children, looking forward to baby-sitting them, with frequent family gatherings over the holidays and at weekends.  That is assuming, of course, that everyone gets along merrily – me, the wife, the siblings and the in-laws.  How lovely.

Part of me thinks that’s nice, but the larger part of me thinks that’s just completely horrid.  In principle, when you look at the individual pieces of the story there’s nothing particularly horrible about any of them, but altogether, I just can’t see it fitting with me.  There are those that say, and have said to me, “At some point, you have to just settle down and take responsibility for yourself and your partner; plan for your future children’s lives.”.  There’s a whole other discussion in there, but my point is, the social pressures that mount as we grow older are powerful and it feels that ultimately I will stand in solitary with my views for the way I would like my life to progress.

So what does my logic tell me?  It tells me simply that… there are people out there to whom I can be attracted, and that are simultaneously attracted to me.  The mutual attraction is dependent on where we both are in our lives, and more importantly, where we are on a particular day – i.e. the day(s) when we first meet one another.  I don’t believe, with the population as it is right now, that there is only 1 person that fits the bill since if I exaggerate this and state the population of the earth is 100 (50/50) people, what’s the chances there is someone for everyone?  Not very likely!  But there are a lot of us, so chances are high that more than just one out there has what it takes.

So let’s say I meet one of these special somebodys… what next?  Well, we get to know one another and it either progresses further into very significant intimacy, or it does not.  And here is where I personally run into trouble…

Unless we are both very highly conscious individuals throughout the development of the relationship, then our characters, that is our ego, is ever-changing.  And if our characters are going to constantly change, then the complementary roles we would have played for one another at any given time would be superseded by the needs of both parties to change in order to meet the changing needs of the other.

Say that again? Okay, here it is again 😉

Unless we are both very highly conscious individuals throughout the development of the relationship, then our characters, that is our ego, is ever-changing.  And if our characters are going to constantly change, then the complementary roles we would have played for one another at any given time would be superseded by the needs of both parties to change in order to meet the changing needs of the other.

Or have I got it completely wrong?

What I’m basically saying is that the one that exists at any given period is not necessarily the same one that exists later on.  The same individual may satisfy the needs at both times, but in all likelihood, may not.

The fear

I have recognised the presence of an underlying fear that shows up when I meet someone I could potentially be attracted to.  It’s a powerful conditioning I have created that gets to work long before I realise its presence sometimes.

When I meet a ‘potential’ I run through scenarios of what could come from a relationship with them.  What I might have to ask of them, and what they might ask of me to permit a relationship to develop between us.  In effect, I will convince myself why I cannot be with this person due to the magnitude of the commitments that will be necessary in the future.  Yes, the future – but I habitually bring the fear of long-term commitment and all those socially-conditioned elements to the fore and attempt to justify them there and then. I have now effectively convinced myself of the complete absurdity that a relationship with this person represents, before I’ve even started.

What I was saying earlier about the one is important here since I feel I’m growing and changing all the time, I’m likely to change significantly as this progresses so whomever I’m with will either have to grow with me and adapt, and I with her also, or it’s not going to work.  So… I should wait until my growth has stabilised.  Riiiight.  Implacable logic, eh?

If there’s one sure way to stay single all your life kiddies, this is it!

When I write it all out, it sounds silly… which, incidentally, is why I write this blog.  This year, I have thrown caution to the wind once or twice and looked no further than my nose.  It’s been exciting and it advocates living in the now, but long-term, that hasn’t worked out either.

The cure

The cure is pushing myself to live in the now – as is always the case it seems.  But then again, I think there is a balance to sought.  I need to practice not running mental movies and extrapolations too soon and leave that until a little bit later down, but just enjoy the fun and the excitement that comes with getting your groove on. 😀

Come what may…

Please feel free to add your comments, and even better, share this post with other people you know using the links provided below.  You may also find related and similar posts in the ‘Related Posts’ section, also found below. Thank you!

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

David Goodchild November 18, 2009 at 14:23

Your doubt blog post and now this blog post is very relevent to me right now; actually, not just now but in the past too! There’s a lot covered here and a great deal skimmed over too that could have more attention.

“mental movies and extrapolations too soon”

I suffer from this too in a big way. Something I’m becoming more away of in more recent days. For me I become infatuated, then become keen. Too keen infact. I think my keen’ness comes from a deept setted hope. I then wrestle with myself mentally over this, over the course of days or even weeks. It’s torture. I ask myself what am I hoping for? what am I wanting? is this worth the effort? is this right? is this mutual? what are the rules? does she think like me? -the mad amount of questions mainly arise from an impatience to need to know answers now for, wait for it, fear that I will have invested my time, emotions and self into a fruitless experience, whereby I might even become emotionally hurt in some way.

I then catch myself on with my excessive thinking and wondering and desiring, even very recently too. Is this thought process healthy for me? Is it worth it? I alternate through phases:
1. Convince myself it can’t possibly work as . I then believe in the simple logic of why it cannot work, and then suddenly I can live again as I was.
2. Maybe I will miss an opportunity. And so I go back into the hope of something new and exciting and become consumed by it.

Maybe it just lacks a balance that I haven’t found yet?

Anyway, I could talk on this for AGES! I love talking, remember?

I think there’s much more to finding “The One”, much much more than is covered here. I’m gonna come back to this though as I’m particularly busy just now and write what I think, have read and rings true and have uncovered through personal experience so far.


Paul Goodchild November 19, 2009 at 10:28

Yea, I skimmed over a lot of things, because to not do so is to create an article that no-one would read. I try to link in other posts I have written that are relevant based on the keywords, so I guess that helps to flesh it out a bit.

I’ve experienced the same head-melting infatuations as you describe, but not so much any longer. They usually completely wreck my head and now I try to catch it very early on and do something about, as I describe in my “infatuation” post. I think also you just have to practice sitting back, trying to relax and just make efforts with someone you’re interested in. If they’re keen too, they’ll show it. If they don’t, you have two ways to look at it. Either they’re scared too and don’t want to show it, for which there is little you can do but you confront it head on. Or, they’re just not into you. Move on. If you’re not prepared to meet the former head on, you have to treat it like the latter… and move on.

Since I fully realised this, I’ve engaged people who I’m interested in and usually they ignore me, but sometimes they respond and it’s great – I have fun, they have fun. But basically, you have to just do something about it.

There’s a lot more to say I think, but perhaps offline is better or this will be another mammoth post 😉


jing July 1, 2010 at 02:25

keep doing what you are doing, keep falling into that rabbit hole, the right one will come along.
: )


Anita Brown Design Studio February 14, 2016 at 00:11

‘What I’m basically saying is that the one that exists at any given period is not necessarily the same one that exists later on’.

This is a VERY profound and ridiculously accurate statement. Kudos for having the emotional intellect for recognising this. I have personal experience of this. When the realisation hit me, that I had evolved and no longer felt compatible with my significant other (13 year relationship), it turned my world upside down. The worst time of my life but also the best. Does this make sense?!

But there’s something important that I’d like to point out (from my perspective). People do evolve but generally speaking, the evolvement occurs at a time of emotional maturity (I’m definitely pin-pointing the 30’s age bracket) and after this period of reflection/review, things seem to settle. But you most likely won’t be the same person. You’ll have a renewed focus, and a different perspective, it’s almost like being reborn.

This post was written quite a while ago. I’m wondering what your thoughts are, so many years (and life experiences) later!


P.S. Expect more activity on your blog. Shit is about to get REAL.


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