The road demands sacrifice – Letting Go

by Paul Goodchild on December 7, 2010

On the road

Deciding to live with no fixed abode has its price. Some costs are fair, and some feel more than a little excessive, but there is no compromise, it seems. “The road” is a harsh mistress and unless you marry to her completely when you choose that lifestyle, the price you pay can be even higher than advertised.  It’s a balance between a life lived and the life you’re now living.

One demand it makes of you is that you leave behind friends and family and the comfortable routine they help provide. Inevitably, the show must go on, and so you must accept that even the closest relationships may drift. ‘Out of sight; out of mind’, and other such clichés, you realise, come from years of experience of those who have come before us.

A place you once were, is but a memory

Each time you leave a place, regardless of how long or short you lived or visited, your mistress demands the same sacrifice – you must let it go. Of course you don’t entirely let it go, and your relationship with it will live on in your memory, your photographs and in your journal.

You must also let go of personal friendships fostered during your stay, though again not entirely. Their growth, at least, is on pause.

All relationships you have are, or were at one point, based on the fulfilment of at least one need in your life. This is usually without your realising it, but sometimes it’s a conscious choice, as is the case with so-called “friends with benefits”, for example.

When you remove yourself physically from a relationship, both of you will seek a replacement for those needs if they believe they can no longer be met, whatever the particular need(s) may be.

I recently realised that I haven’t completely married into this “life on the road”.  If I had done so, I would’ve approached some things a little differently and so at the moment, I’m living a life of near-to-complete solitude and this is simply unsustainable.

I had believed that many friendships I left behind would continue unimpeded, and I was wrong. I knew of course some friendships will eventually fizzle to a gentle glow – not because the underlying bond was weak to begin, but simply because certain needs that were being met cannot be fulfilled “remotely”.

With this understanding I let many friendships go into hibernation and did little to maintain them. As I noticed signs of “fizzle”, I allowed it to happen since there’s little point in resisting it – I have no doubt many would be easily revived given close physical proximity, but there’s little I can do about that right now.

Resistance is futile

By not fully adopting the type of life I established for myself, I resisted that which needed to be done.

I needed to let go.

Of course, relationships that are important to me remain so! Instead I must become more active in their maintenance, accepting all the while, that they will probably never be as they were. To continue to believe otherwise is to not put in the required effort to develop friendships as I continue to travel.

I realise now more than ever that making wholesome friendships wherever I travel is as important as the journey itself. Since travel is as much a part of your life as non-travel, developing friendships on the road is just as important as off the road.

Rather than try to “go it alone”, I must set the making and growth of friendships and connections a priority. How I’ll do that is another matter – it’s not something I’ve ever been very good at while travelling.

For better or for worse

To hit the road or the location-independent lifestyle, with no precise exit strategy, you must marry to it completely. This requires you to accept what you will lose in terms of intimacy and friendships, while realising what you gain.  As I mentioned before, you need to balance your focus between where you have been in your life, and where you are right now.

As with all lifestyles, one on the road has the capacity to teach you new lessons, while giving you the time and the opportunity to learn them fully.

It’s never too late to learn.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Laura December 8, 2010 at 19:39

A rolling stone gathers no moss as they say :/ Not quite sure I agree, they just gather less permanent moss than a stationary one! I truly believe any relationships (friendships I mean really here not romantic relationships) that are worth anything will exist even with minimal maintenance provided trust and kinship were established initially. Just because you’re not in contact with people does not mean you/they are not thinking of them/you- I know I think of friends I value a lot but whom I don’t see very often. And the friendships that remain are so much more than fulfilling a need for that time…they are the true friendships.
Just my thoughts on the whole friendship aspect- I cannot really speak on the moving around aspect and can imagine that it is difficult to build that trust and kinship over such short time scales as you so eloquently describe.
Much love, Laura x

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Laura December 8, 2010 at 19:44

Hmm, having read your six needs blog entry, I see what you mean. I was thinking ‘need’ on a much shallower level- ego massaging, an ear to listen, a friend to drink with etc! Some of your needs make relationship so much more sustainable than others though! Typing as I think here…

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Paul Goodchild December 9, 2010 at 14:09

Heya!
I totally agree with you. The meaningful friendships do persist with the minimal maintenance provided there was a good foundation to begin with.
And, what you say is true about them/you thinking of you/them, even though you’re not with them.
As for needs, yea, there are certainly many “needs” that some relationships fill that make friendships bound to collapse in the long run. The problem with travelling though, is that since there isn’t a whole heap of time to build a deep bond, forming lasting friendships is a challenge as mostly only superficial needs are met.

Hope ya enjoyed the read, and thank you for always taking time to contribute a comment here and there =)
xo

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Paul Goodchild December 10, 2010 at 14:26

Heya!
I totally agree with you. The meaningful friendships do persist with the minimal maintenance provided there was a good foundation to begin with.
And, what you say is true about them/you thinking of you/them, even though you’re not with them.
As for needs, yea, there are certainly many “needs” that some relationships fill that make friendships bound to collapse in the long run. The problem with travelling though, is that since there isn’t a whole heap of time to build a deep bond, forming lasting friendships is a challenge as mostly only superficial needs are met.

Hope ya enjoyed the read, and thank you for always taking time to contribute a comment here and there =)
xo

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gabigabi January 14, 2011 at 00:26

I totally agree with this article. This is my life and to get to this conclusion which are here took me 3 years and 5 continents to be at. With this understanding it is so easy to let go and not miss so much everyone, all dears friends.

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Paul Goodchild January 14, 2011 at 15:55

it’s difficult thing to accept for sure, but once we realise it fully, life goes on eh. =)

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noch January 27, 2011 at 12:05

but your real friends wont really forget u and even if you guys dont talk for years, it’ll still be the same 🙂
bunnie xx

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Paul Goodchild January 28, 2011 at 10:28

Indeed… that’s been my experience so far too 🙂

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