While at university a decade ago I met some really fantastic people, some of which I’m still in regular contact with today, most of which however I’m not.<\/p>\n
It was at this time I had a friendship that was both wonderful and tragic all at once, that taught me things about myself and about friendships in general.<\/p>\n
The most overriding lesson I learned, which has stayed with me even now, is the principle of need<\/em> that underwrites any relationship we ever have in our lives<\/strong>.<\/p>\n Even now, I have yet to be persuaded that this principle isn’t sound.\u00a0 Sometimes it’s not very clear to pick out, other times it’s obvious, but it is<\/em> there.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You can define it how you will, but for the purposes of this post, I’m going with:<\/p>\n A need is something that is either required, or so deeply desired to such a degree that its lack gives us the feeling that something is seriously missing from our life.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n [AMAZON_AFF asin=”0671791540″ text=”Anthony Robbins”] refers to his 6 Human Needs – needs that when any one is sufficiently lacking, we act\/react purposefully to it making it a powerful driving force in the actions we take.\u00a0 They are:<\/p>\n This should help break down what need<\/em> is in general.<\/p>\n But in terms of relationships, I hope you can see how any relationship fulfils 1 or all of these categories.<\/p>\n Try it yourself – take one of your closest friendships as an example and examine each one of the needs above in turn and see how that person fulfils these needs in your life.<\/p>\n Likely, if it’s your partner, or a particularly close friend, most or all of them will be met.\u00a0 I know that for me I can think of several relationships that meet all 6 of them.<\/p>\n So what am I saying…?\u00a0 That our relationships are basically a mechanism to fulfil some or all of our basic human needs?<\/p>\n Yes.<\/p>\n That’s a little clinical sounding, but seriously, I have yet to see an alternative.<\/p>\n An easy example of how this principle plays out is in romantic relationships.<\/p>\n Have you ever taken time to wonder why exactly when two people become romantically involved that the number of friendships and close relationships they have dwindles leaving both partners with far fewer friends than they started with?\u00a0 It’s a combination of the inability, or the lack of motivation on the part of the partners, to make time either to cultivate new friendships, or maintain and nourish the ones they already have.<\/p>\n Why?\u00a0 Because their needs are being fulfilled by their partner.\u00a0 They don’t need those old relationships quite so much – they get all their comfort, variety, connection, significance, growth and contribution in one<\/em> place!<\/p>\n Why do supermarkets do so well? Because they offer the convenience that individual green-grocers, butchers, and bakers, etc. cannot offer – one place for all your needs.<\/p>\n Regardless of how you look at it, any relationship you have is based on the fulfilment of 1 or more needs on some level.<\/p>\n For me, the needs that drive me most in my relationships are connection, growth and contribution.\u00a0 There are others and I am aware of them, but really, those 3 are at the core.<\/p>\n I crave that deep connection and love with people that only time and dedication may elicit – everything else is background noise.\u00a0 I need to feel that I am contributing to the growth of my friend, helping him or her see things in a new way and perhaps expand their thinking beyond the limits of their current<\/em> perceptions.<\/p>\n Reciprocally I also need to grow through the relationship – I need new ideas, challenges, safety, and advice to me that forces me to think outside the proverbial box.<\/p>\nSo what is a need<\/em> exactly?<\/h2>\n
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What is a relationship?<\/h2>\n
Out with the old…<\/h2>\n