{"id":768,"date":"2009-12-04T01:14:25","date_gmt":"2009-12-04T01:14:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/paulgoodchild.net\/blog\/?p=768"},"modified":"2012-02-19T19:25:16","modified_gmt":"2012-02-19T19:25:16","slug":"seek-first-to-understand","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/paulgoodchild.me\/blog\/seek-first-to-understand\/","title":{"rendered":"Seek first to understand &#8211; Just Listen"},"content":{"rendered":"<figure id=\"attachment_709\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-709\" style=\"width: 225px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-709\" title=\"Doubts and Questions\" src=\"http:\/\/paulgoodchild.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/11\/doubts_question_mark-225x300.jpg\" alt=\"Doubts and Questions\" width=\"225\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/paulgoodchild.me\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/11\/doubts_question_mark-225x300.jpg 225w, https:\/\/paulgoodchild.me\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/11\/doubts_question_mark-112x150.jpg 112w, https:\/\/paulgoodchild.me\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/11\/doubts_question_mark.jpg 375w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 225px) 100vw, 225px\" \/><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-709\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">If you don&#39;t understand, listen.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>I&#8217;ve wrote <a title=\"\u2018Father Forgets\u2019\" href=\"http:\/\/paulgoodchild.net\/blog\/2009\/10\/father-forgets\/\" target=\"_blank\">before that I was re-reading<\/a> the book [AMAZON_AFF item=&#8221;winfriends&#8221; text=&#8221;How to win friends and influence people&#8221;].\u00a0 I&#8217;ve just finished it and found some of it contrasts with what I&#8217;ve come to understand and accept recently from writings such as\u00a0[AMAZON_AFF item=&#8221;powernow&#8221; text=&#8221;Power of Now&#8221;].<\/p>\n<p>In this case however, the two writings complement one another &#8211; the importance of listening.<\/p>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<h2>Shhhh! Be quiet.<\/h2>\n<p>&#8230;and that&#8217;s the message of the day.<\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s the message of the century!\u00a0 Dale Carnegie emphasized many times throughout [AMAZON_AFF item=&#8221;winfriends&#8221; text=&#8221;How to win friends and influence people&#8221;]\u00a0that instead of engaging people with a view to talking about ourselves, we do far better to <strong>actively listen<\/strong> to people.\u00a0 To become interested in who they are, their interests and what is important to them.<\/p>\n<p>It sounds obvious, right?\u00a0 Of course it is, but someone who is willing to dedicate his or her time to just listen to you is a rare find indeed.\u00a0 I&#8217;m not saying people don&#8217;t listen, but I feel that there is a desperate lack of <em>conscious <\/em>willingness to put aside the swirl of thoughts, emotions and concerns we have for our ourselves, and dedicate it to absorbing that of someone else.<\/p>\n<p>Stephen Covey, in his brilliant book [AMAZON_AFF item=&#8221;7habits&#8221; text=&#8221;The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People&#8221;], outlined this as <a href=\"https:\/\/www.stephencovey.com\/7habits\/7habits-habit5.php\">Habit 5<\/a>: <em>Seek first to understand, then to be understood.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s exactly the same thing &#8211; put your brain on pause for a moment and listen to your partner.\u00a0 <em>Actively <\/em>hear what is being said, understand their position entirely, and then respond as and when appropriate.<\/p>\n<p>Many people when they are in a discussion are seeking a venue to talk about themselves.\u00a0 We want people to listen to us, to hear about our problems and concerns, while celebrating with us our achievements.\u00a0 There&#8217;s absolutely nothing wrong with that, but as with everything there is a balance to be sought and I think in general we don&#8217;t find it.<\/p>\n<p>Can you think back to a conversation you had recently where the other person dominated throughout, speaking entirely about themselves and what was on their mind?\u00a0 You might have had a thing or two to share, but there never seemed to be an opportunity to raise them.\u00a0 You weren&#8217;t asked or given your space.<\/p>\n<p>Perhaps when you did have room to share, you wanted to flesh it out a bit more, but they never took a real interest in what you had to say.\u00a0 It&#8217;s because they weren&#8217;t properly listening.<\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s a horrible feeling, but we do it on others all the time.<\/p>\n<p>I have experienced this and in-part, it&#8217;s down to a personality trait where I&#8217;m slow to volunteer personal information unless I&#8217;m prodded and poked.\u00a0 When I am asked, I will typically skim over areas of concern and assume that if they want to know more or allow me space to express it, they will press further.<\/p>\n<p>I haven&#8217;t found the right balance since I often come away feeling I wish I had shared a bit more.<\/p>\n<p>All that said however, the dynamics of a relationship play a large role and singling out a particular conversation isn&#8217;t necessarily fair either.\u00a0 I&#8217;ve had many conversations with friends that have been all about me, for hours, only then to have the balance re-addressed next time where they have the chance to take centre stage.<\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s about the balance over the long term as well.<\/p>\n<h2>So why is it so difficult for us to listen?<\/h2>\n<p>If we&#8217;ve heard it once, we&#8217;ve heard it a million times &#8211; the ability to listen is a great <em>skill<\/em>.\u00a0 We can all talk, no doubt about that.<\/p>\n<p>We can all get our point across and we might even win an argument here or there, but finding someone that actually listens to us without trying to fix, convert, convince, or cure us is a challenge.<\/p>\n<p>So why is it so hard for us to listen?\u00a0 This is where &#8216;The Power of Now&#8217; meets Dale Carnegie.<\/p>\n<p>First off, what does it actually mean to listen?\u00a0 For me it means to <em>actively <\/em>hear what is being said and to attempt, to the best of my ability, to really understand both the content being presented and also the position of the person saying it.<\/p>\n<p>By that I mean, when someone talks to you, they are doing so with the sum of their experiences up until this point.\u00a0 They hold a certain position or viewpoint attained as a consequence of events that they have acted in, witnessed, or heard about.\u00a0 Furthermore, each new experience is added to the foundation upon which all future experiences are <em>interpreted<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>We often forget that there is <strong>more than 1<\/strong> valid reality.\u00a0 Our views, values, beliefs, all form part of our <em>identity<\/em> and so when that is challenged by someone else, we typically resist it.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because to accept it at face value to is to by-definition invalidate <em>who we are<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>That may sound a little over the top, but that a moment to consider it.\u00a0 Put another way:<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>If, <strong>our beliefs and values = our identify<\/strong>, &amp; if someone else holds alternative beliefs and values<\/p>\n<p>then, to accept them for who they are (their identity), is equivalent to stating that we are wrong, or invalid.<\/p>\n<p>I.E. By equating our self-worth and identity with our beliefs, we are threatened when another person lives with different beliefs &#8211; we cannot accept them and so we don&#8217;t listen to them.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>This helps to explain why don&#8217;t often listen as well as we should because to do so threatens our view of ourselves and our existence.\u00a0 So how to get around it?<\/p>\n<p>We have to realise that our beliefs, values and opinions are not actually <strong>who we are<\/strong>&#8230; the problem is that currently we identify with them and mistakenly believe that our thoughts represent our identity.<\/p>\n<p>But you are <strong>not <\/strong>your mind.<\/p>\n<p>You are much more magnificent than that!<\/p>\n<p>Your mind is a fantastic tool for analyzing, problem solving, planning and much more, but it isn&#8217;t <em>you<\/em>.\u00a0 The tendency of our minds to control our conscious through is there out of a habit of a lifetime&#8230; we have relied upon it to manage and categorize our experiences, but mistakenly we look to find our identity within the labels we use to organise and categorize them as well.<\/p>\n<p>So being able to release our grip on our so-called egoic identity opens us up to hearing other people and their points of view.\u00a0 Quietening our mind to listen becomes easier because you&#8217;re not looking to defend your position, but rather potentially grow from the exposure to alternative views.<\/p>\n<p>A great source of examples is religion.\u00a0 By labelling yourself as, say, &#8216;Christian&#8217;, you assign a whole stack of beliefs to your identity, and force yourself to be a person that perhaps you aren&#8217;t.\u00a0 Alternatively you could say, &#8216;I believe in God&#8217;.\u00a0 That&#8217;s something you <strong>do<\/strong>, not who you <strong>are<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p>The different is huge!<\/p>\n<p>Living in a way that is open to change and a willingness to consider new points of view that comes our way as potentially valid, allows us to experiments.\u00a0 We can try on other people&#8217;s lenses and see what they see.\u00a0 We don&#8217;t have to like what we see when we do it, and we don&#8217;t have to accept something that fundamentally disagrees with us.<\/p>\n<p>If what we see doesn&#8217;t fit with us &#8211; we simply remove the lens.\u00a0 But at least we tried it on!<\/p>\n<h2>Internal chatter<\/h2>\n<p>Next time you have a conversation with somebody try to be aware of your own internal <em>chatter<\/em>.\u00a0 Listen to what is being said to you, and watch as you begin to form judgments on the content and label their opinions and experiences.\u00a0 Don&#8217;t try to resist either the chatter or your mind&#8217;s focus on topics other than that you&#8217;re supposed to be listening to&#8230; just observe it.\u00a0 Once you can become conscious of the chatter, you will be able to release it and allow your complete attention to turn to whomever you&#8217;re talking with.\u00a0 And it isn&#8217;t only talking&#8230; it&#8217;s all forms for communication.<\/p>\n<p>It is difficult to practice listening to the chatter, but practice makes perfect.\u00a0 =)<\/p>\n<p><em>Please feel free to add your comments, and even better, share this post with other people you know using the links provided below e.g. Facebook.\u00a0 You may also find related and similar articles in the \u2018Related Posts\u2019 section, also below. Thank you!<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you don&#8217;t understand, then listen.  Simple.  Even if you think you understand, listen.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":24,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[75],"tags":[43,117,47,133,30,134,132],"class_list":["post-768","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-cat-grow-your-mind","tag-ego","tag-how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people","tag-identity","tag-listening","tag-power-of-now","tag-seek-first-to-understand","tag-self-improvement"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.3 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Seek first to understand - Just Listen - Plog - Paulie&#039;s Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/paulgoodchild.me\/blog\/seek-first-to-understand\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Seek first to understand - Just Listen - Plog - Paulie&#039;s Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"If you don&#039;t understand, then listen. 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