The relationship game between men and women, Part 2

by Paul Goodchild on October 2, 2009

Relationships are a balancing act

In my previous post, Part 1, I outlined the content of a seminar I attended a week ago that I found quite informative and served up lots of food for thought.

I’ve had a chance to think much of it over, and while it has opened my mind to some things, I do have some niggling reservations.  Anyhow, as I go along, hopefully my thoughts will crystallize into something coherent.

Article image credit: Superfantastic

Trust and being Trustworthy

Several people will remember I have had this discussion with them in the past.  I’ve even had it in some past relationships, to little or no avail.  The point is, this is something I’ve come to understand a long time ago and while it’s a very simple concept, it is paradoxically difficult for many people to embrace.  There are a couple of ways to go about describing it, but I’ll stick with mine and bring in the explanation from the previous post later.

When I enter any intimate relationship, or for any close friendship that develops, I do so with the understanding that my partner is completely trustworthy.  There is no ambiguity here, no half-way house and no nearly-there.  She just is.  If she wasn’t, I wouldn’t be there.

Consider the alternative.  If you trusted your partner, say, 50%… what does that mean?  Does it mean that every other day he/she is suspect – Monday is okay, but Tuesday is when you should check up on him/her?  It sounds a little silly putting it like this, but it’s the only way I can illustrate it since it’s strange to imagine being in a relationship where you do not implicitly trust your partner.  If you don’t, then bail out already or flick the trust switch to ON.  It’s not worth the stress you put on yourself, and certainly not fair to your partner who has to take your crap each time you feel a little suspicious.

Taking the idea of trust a little further, it’s not just about believing that he/she will not cheat on you, or wont lie, but also about every aspect of the relationship.  You trust that he/she will follow through on commitments, that everything they do and say is said from a place of high integrity and good intent.  This is important.  Re-read that.  I’ll probably come back to intention again later.

That’s not to say of course that people don’t make mistakes, or make poor judgment calls, it’s up to you to believe that intentions are pure, and that for the future they will make adjustments so as not to make the same error again.

From the seminar, it was posed that if a women taps her predominantly female energy trait of trust, the male will respond in-kind by being trustworthy.  I believe this to be the case and I think in-general, women are more prone to lacking trust in their partner rather than the other way about.  When a women enters a relationship with the belief that men in general are not trustworthy by nature, and under the assumption that we are always manifesting intentions and beliefs that we each hold, you can expect your man to be untrustworthy.  Alternatively he’ll have the good sense to leave you since the nonsense he’ll have to tolerate to prove himself just isn’t worth it.  And make no mistake, there is no end to the ‘prove yourself‘ paradigm, it’s there for life (and all the crap that comes along with it).

It does of course work both ways… men need to also trust their partners without question.  This I believe, however, isn’t as common an issue for men – I didn’t say it doesn’t exist, it’s just not as common.  Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong of course.

Giving and Receiving

This is probably an area which has gotten me thinking most, and I still haven’t reached any definite conclusions about this yet.  From the seminar it was posed that the ability to gracefully receive is a female energy that women need to become better at running from.  I can’t speak for women on this part, but I think for me, at least, it’s something we can all work on.  But that’s by-the-by…

I have, rightly or wrongly, drawn a parallel in my mind between trust being provided by the women before she will find a trustworthy man, and giving/provision by a man before he’ll find a women to receive, in grace.  And I keep adding on the term “in grace” or “graciously” because I think that is where one of my hang-ups lie.

I am completely and utterly turned off by the princess entity.  There are few things worse and I will not entertain it cannot abide it anywhere near me.  The problem with this however is that without due distinction being made, predominantly in the area of intentions, it’s a fine line (by outward appearances) between a Princess, and a Goddess.  Here is my problem…

If I am to actively engage a woman in my life with the assumption that they are Goddesses, then I am basically at their service.  I will honour them by providing for them, serving them, and respecting the beautiful woman that they are.  In turn, they will nurture and sustain me, assisting me as and when I need it in the manner only a goddess can deliver, in the efforts that I make to provide for us both.  But, what if in fact it is a princess masquerading as the so-called goddess?  Then I am throwing my time, energy, and resources into a bottomless pit.  A princess will feed off me, consuming what she can, while a goddess will multiply a man’s strength ensuring maximum throughput and mutual benefit for all.

My dilemma is, like that for a woman and trust, a chicken and the egg scenario.  If I am manifesting the reality that women are princesses, then that’s what I’ll get… but if I go the other way, I’m going to score really big and pick me up a Goddess, or just get taken for a ride.

During the seminar, the speaker singled out a lady and asked her the question,

“What sum of money would you say is sufficient for you to have provided for (by your man) in your bank account before you would feel ‘safe’/’secure’ with the man you are with?”

For me, this made no sense whatsoever… as I mentioned before, the thought of a woman expecting a certain level of money in the bank since represent a true sense of security with her partner is absurd and I couldn’t relate to this.  He then went on to state categorically that a woman (goddess?) under no circumstances should ever financially assist/support a man.  Again, I just couldn’t agree with this… life sometimes just happens to you.  You just never know when the ‘unexpected’ can happen that will  severely impact revenue flow.

In actuality, if I truly believed I was with a goddess, and she said let’s get a million pounds in the bank (as was the answer to the above question at the time), then frankly I’m all over it.  Knowing I have her trust and support throughout will inspire me and encourage me to make good on the goal.  But that is solely because of investment by both into the relationship, and knowing that the other person (for both of us) is trustworthy, trusting, and wholly giving of themselves.

As the dog above demonstrates, it’s a balancing act.  No one side has the complete ownership of a particular male/female energy, though there are clearly heavy weightings and biases on both sides.  It’s something to try out at least in your relationships, for me also.  I have no trust issues, but I know that I need to believe in the woman’s integrity/commitment to the relationship much earlier on.  I put too much stock in how much that they bring to the table financially as I’m excessively wary of being bled and becoming a great looking meal ticket.  It’s like I’ve said before, the only reality is your perceptions of the world and therefore what you’re manifesting.  And that, for me, is what this seminar most clearly brought into focus for me – areas in which I can improve most.


The particular intentions I’m refering to here are those of the heart.  Take moment, if you’re in a relationship, and think back to the last 2 or 3 times your partner did anything good for you or for you both.  How did you thank him or her?  Was it clouded with previous resentments, or was it just pure appreciation for the moment.

I’ll take a simple example, also brought up in the seminar, of a man coming home late and bringing a bunch of yellow roses home with him.  The partner can respond in 1 of 2 main ways… be thankful because she loves flowers and the surprise he gave her with them – obviously he had to go out of his way to go get them, and that made him later than normal coming home.  Or, you don’t like yellow roses, he knows already you like red ones – why does he always get it wrong?  He should have been home 30 minutes ago like he said he would be, why didn’t he call?  Just how selfish can he be?  If the response is the latter, he will feel that and likely not bother making the gesture again, or at least less often.  Little does she know that he was on a conference call the whole way home and couldn’t message her to let her know he’ll be late; he searched everywhere he could for the red roses calling into 3 different flower shops until finally settling on yellow;  he’d had a hard day that day and needed a soft place to fall when he came home.  Depending how he is received (with or without the roses), it will either lift him or drop him and with enough drops, the whole thing will sour.

It’s a contrived example, true, but it illustrates the problem of not accepting your partner every minute of the day, for who he/she is.  Understanding that while you are not together physically, both of you are living lives and experiences that the other knows nothing about.  Do not judge, but rather accept that life happens, your partner has nothing but good intentions and he/she will fulfill that expectation when it is made of them.  I think for me, intentions are what overrides nearly all aspects of any relationship whether intimate or otherwise.  By trusting that intentions are good in the other person, regardless of whether the outcome is positive or negative for you, is a challenge we all face but one that when overcome, will make your life much less stressful and far more joyful as you open yourself up to many many more connections with people.  I try to live like that, but I don’t always get there that’s for sure… when people bugger things up, very often at the time I forget the intentions and see only the impact as it relates to me.  We all have lives and variables and sometimes, people just make mistakes.  Mistakes are fine, it’s mal-intent that’s the problem and I feel that mal-intent is actually very rare.

Finding the goddess

I hope my ramblings make far more sense that I feel like they do as I re-read this post.  Bear in-mind, they’re only my ramblings and if you disagree with any of it, or have points to add, then please post a comment below and tell me what you think.  Any and all feedback is very welcome!

I have had the priviledge recently to have met someone who stands out to me as being how a goddess can be, and she knows it.  It’s a powerful force to behold in a woman and I’m going to end this post by directly quoting her, and hope she doesn’t mind (as I’m sure she doesn’t):

… [celebrate] the divine synergy between male & female. This dance can only be a divine one if we recognise our own divinity within it. Finding the Goddess within is the key to creating an abundant life full of love, joy and fun. You will shine.

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

David Scott Lynn February 24, 2013 at 23:35

Well, Paul, I don’t know if you keep up on your old postings, but this and Part 1 were GREAT posts. I also appreciated and was touched by the post I read about your father passing away. That’s a LOT to think about, which I do on a frequent basis anyway, but you helped put a finer point on it.

Thank You Very Much for putting those posts up.

I just discovered You today at LinkedIn on a WordPress Group about changing WP database prefixes. You presented yourself so well I decided to go to your profile & websites, and I’m very impressed. …

I already bought two different WP central management tools (WP Pipeline and WP Management Center, the latter being terminated, I think, and being replaced by the former), but I will definitely keep yours in mind when I make a final decision on which I’m going to use.

Anyway, back to your Posts … a few things:

One is that back in 1985, living in Chicago, four friends and I went to NYC for a 2-day seminar — Men, Sex & Power, which was the flip side of Woman Sex & Power — developed and led by Justin Sterling. He said much the same about defining primary energies of men & women, and how best to be with and, if necessary “manage” those energies.

(I apologize for the word “manage” but I’m having difficulty coming up with a better one, as my experiences the last couple of decades have not made me feeling very passionately “integrated” with women, so “manage” has become more how it feels. That’s why I’ve not dated a lot in the last decade. Was with a woman for almost one year in 2004, and a year and a half in 2009-10, but not a lot else of importance.)

One of Justin’s generalizations was that Men had the Strength, and Women had the Power. With some explanation, that makes total sense, but I suspect you get it.

And, contrary to your instructor’s comment that women should not support men in their capacity as a provider, Justin offered that The Best Solution to men & women designing a life together is to, in part, revolve around them BOTH working TOGETHER in a business venture providing the work & lifestyle they wanted. (He did not suggest this would work for everyone, but made a good case that a lot of people, especially women, were resisting this, to their own detriment.)

So, the idea is, they create a team effort, and not only is the woman supportive, she is directly involved in multiple & intimate ways. This will not, of course, work for everyone, but most of human history was about men and women working in this way anyway. He was mostly out in the fields or hunting, and she closer to home, but it was a team effort. And their very survival depended upon it. People did not have the luxury of “finding their own path” until the last 100 years or so.

And their son’s worked alongside with their fathers from an early age, whereas now-a-days, many sons have no idea what there Dad even does at work, let alone have him be a role model. They are brought up by their Mothers. then the Mothers complain about how their sons turned out!!!

AND, over the years, the couples I’ve known — with several unfortunate exceptions — were when the couple had this kind of working relationship. Yet they were doing complementary things — division of labor — rather than both trying to do the exact same jobs. That tends to reduce any rivalries or jealousies, I guess.

But, that has always been my dream, to have an intimate and interactive professional AND personal relationship, preferably for Life. I’ve never been into making up for lack of intimacy & quality in volume of relationships.

I think that very often, when people start looking for another relationship, it’s because they’ve hit their limits on how much intimacy & self-knowledge they can tolerate. So rather than go deeper into themselves and their mate, they go somewhere else, starting over on the surface again, until they hit that level of depth again. Then, they find something else wrong with their latest “relationship,” and move on.

What also came up for me in your posts was the words of one of my Clients and Teachers, Fernando Flores. He said America was a nation of “protracted teenagers.” My interpretation of that, relative to your posts, is that growing from a princess to a goddess takes a lot of maturity and personal growth.

It also means that, for men, growing to appreciate that there are certain kinds of freedom you cannot experience EXCEPT in relationships that impose certain external limitations takes more maturity than many, if not most, men are avoiding. Yet those external limitations can, paradoxically, free people to have a more rewarding inner-life,with far more intimacy than if they jump from person-to-person or thing-to-thing.

Now, it appears You are European, and You took this seminar in the Far East, but given that so many people in the world try to emulate American Culture, how true would that lack of maturity be showing up in other cultures? I don;t know, but you might have a better idea.

Lord knows, at 58 years old, I’ve got a lot of reasons to believe **I** have subconsciously avoided much of it, even though consciously attempting to not.

Anyway, I have to run now Paul but I will continue to check out your products and more of your website.

Many Thanks & Take Care,
David Scott Lynn


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